Marriage
What I’m Looking For: My Marriage Preferences
Inspired by: YouTube Video
I am going through the arranged marriage process over the past 2 years. I came across this video on youtube where they were talking about the idea of writing down what is important for one as a person to consider while going through topics to discuss during arrange marriage meetings.This document outlines the values and expectations I consider essential in a life partner.
1. Communication
Communication is the bare minimum expectation from any relationship. Both of us are investing our precious time in getting to know each other and understanding about each other’s preferences. It feels off putting and disrespectful when one person is not replying for a long time while the other person does not even know what they have done wrong. Again, I understand that everyone is busy in their lives and has a lot of important work to get done but communicating about it would help everyone involved :)
2. Long-Term Plans
Over the long term, I am not so sure where I would want to stay. It is of course an important discussion to have with my partner. The things I have in my mind about this is I would preferably want to stay in a place from where visiting family is easily accessible. Our parents will get old and with that there will be some health concerns for which we as children have to be for them. Even otherwise, I visit my family frequently back home and having ready access to visit family is a big priority for me.
Also, I don’t want to conflate this point with the idea of living with in laws. I would prefer that me and my partner will have our own home (rented/bought) where we will be raising our family and our parents will be in their homes leading their lives.
3. Intention Towards Marriage
This point is taken from the youtube video. I am looking for a long term relationship leading to marriage. I understand that we can’t guarantee a relationship ending in marriage but that is the direction I hope to move towards. Tying this back to the communication point, if at any point either of us feels that this relationship can’t end in marriage I’d want us to communicate about it honestly and end the relationship. I learnt about this term “sunk cost fallacy”, and I don’t wish for either of us or our families to fall into it.
4. Treating Families Equally
I learnt about this from a friend recently and I wanted to emphasize on this point. I want both of us to ensure that we treat our parents equally for everything. I heard that in a lot of cultures/traditions, the wife spends time during festivals with the husband’s family. I will make sure that is not the case. We should spend our time with both of our families in times of need and enjoyment. In every other aspect as well families will be treated equally. It is not only the case a daughter is joining my family, a son is also joining my partner’s family.
5. Teetotaler and Non-Smoker
This is a hard non-negotiable. I have had various fights with friends about this one where I have been asked to compromise a bit on the non-drinker point. Occasional, rare, only during office events/festivals—all of this is a hard no for me. My simple reason for this is it is not healthy. There have been countless scientific studies proven to show that drinking/smoking is not healthy, and I am not ready to budge on this. I don’t want either of us to affect the future generation’s health because of decisions that we have taken on this.
6. Financial Stability
It is important for both me and my partner to lead a financially stable family. In that sense, one important point is that my partner should also have their career while I am having my career and work. Obviously during times like layoffs or planning kids or health issues, we would be supporting each other. And for this particular reason of there being uncertainty in life, it is important for both of us to have a career and be working to lead a financially healthy life. I expect that both of us will discuss any big financial decisions we take before executing on it.
7. Fitness
I feel that it is important for us to lead an active lifestyle. Fitness includes both diet and exercise. I want both of us to lead a healthy lifestyle in terms of cooking and eating healthy and tasty meals together. Also engaging in regular exercise (be it running, gym, yoga, hiking, playing sports, etc). There would of course be days when we feel lazy and just want to sleep in, or just order in food, or eat out. But the thing about life is that it is a marathon, so over our lifetime I want us to lead a healthy lifestyle for our own good and for our family.
8. Kids
I love kids. I want to have kids. But it is of course going to be a planned discussion that has to be had with my partner. I want to make sure my partner is comfortable and also both of us have planned together mentally, financially, career-wise and without any pressure. Even if one parent doesn’t want kids, they should get the veto. I understand the role of a mother is humongous in raising a child and I want to ensure to provide utmost support to my partner whenever we take the decision to have kids.
9. Religion and Tradition
While staying in a country for so long away from family, visiting a temple or even celebrating festivals with friends brings in a sense of calm. I don’t have any strong opinion on religion or tradition. I hope that for my partner as well it is similar. Similar in the sense that they are open to visiting temples, praying to god, doing Puja (not in an orthodox fashion), celebrating festivals, talking about mythological stories and inculcating the moral values in children. Again, this is something that both of us should be open to have a discussion about.
10. Marriage is About Value Addition
Marriage is not about completing each other. Both of us have been living our lives happily and being complete over so many years. I feel it is more about value addition. Value addition in terms of being a close support system. Value addition in terms of bringing in your own quirks, likes, interests and having empathy towards each other’s interests and hobbies.